The thing about mood disorders, I’ve seen, is that even the person who understands you BEST OF ALL won’t always get what’s wrong with you.
Even people who are struggling with very similar issues will never completely understand you.
But then I look at people without mood disorders and think, “It’s okay. No one’s ever going to understand THEM completely either.”
The more I think about it, the more I start to think that it really is this job that’s the problem. Like, I come here and my soul just DIES. Everything I was excited to work on looks boring or too difficult or just not worth the bother. Even the important stuff.
I worked in the main office yesterday and was digging through files and checking off pages and was basically left to my own devices. Aside from the chair and desk not fitting together properly, making my back hurt like a mother, it was a damn good day. I felt like I’d gotten something accomplished. AND, here’s the kicker, I was sociable at lunch. There were maybe only five other people there, but we talked about stuff over pizza.
And anyway now I’m here and bored to actual tears. I tried writing and it was just shit. Like, blah. I was all amped to talk to people and then people came around and I wanted to hide again.
I should’ve stayed in Erie.
1. Where can I take cooking classes? Like, proper ones not “Thirty Minute Meals for Moms”, but like “I’d like to work in a kitchen someday” classes. I could just google this but what the hell?
2. I need to look at Dnd character sheets so I can make myself a custom one in Illustrator or something. So I have my Pathfinder book and rolled out character with me to look into that today.
3. SHAY. I had a cool scene in my head with Amaranth at lake Erie and I’m trying to find the right story to put it in. As it is, I have a few ideas rolling around in my head and I’ll likely smush them all together. Hopefully this one will actually get written.
4. My phone is out of service currently because I’m really late on paying my bill. This whole medical leave thing happened JUST as I ran out of money, so a few things are falling by the wayside.
5. I have a copy of the new Animal Crossing, but no 3DS to play it on, so if you or someone you know is looking to unload one, lemme know. Like I said, I’m near broke at the moment, but I NEED this game, okay? You don’t understand.
6. I’m back at proper work, which feels weird. But now there’s a fishie on my desk, so I have someone to hang out with. =)
Driving back from Erie today and I’m kind of nervous because there’s supposed to be a superstorm that covers the whole state and I have to drive for like eight hours through it.
But I’ll be okay and it’ll all be worth it when I get home to snuggle my kitty. =)
There are so many things I want to tell the internet (that is: you people who follow this blog) but I just CAN’T because blargh and secrets are burning me up inside!
The problem is, there’s no one I can call up and be like:
“Come over right now, get baked with me, and we’ll watch a thing.”
Smoking around non-smokers is getting to feel weird.
I basically need a 420-friendly Fandom Buddy in my area.
Life’s a little topsy-turvy.
I punched a door.
The bruise was lovely at once.
The pain diminished too quickly.
depravityinblack replied to your post: Messages never sent #1 Hello. Im going…
Youre so precious what the fuck.
I keep trying to tell people this!
That being said, I’ve been without my anti-depressants for three days now and I feel like shit.
Reaching the point where I give a shit about nothing.
Perhaps it’s an easier way to live.
The problem with talking to guys on OKC is that I’m turned on for different, conflicting reasons.
I’ve got a nerd boner because this guy sent me a mess of PDF DnD manuals and a fellow sub and I were chatting about sex and an old friend was talking about sex.
AAAAAHHHH. REMEMBER WHEN I WAS DEPRESSED AND FELT UNATTRACTIVE/UNINTERESTING?
THAT’S SO FUCKIN OVER
Messages never sent #1
It’s the hardest thing right now to tell my dad that I don’t want to talk to him,
He’s been really nice these past two days in taking care of my lawn and stuff, but he wants to give me a lecture about it and probably talk about my anxiety some more
And I always just feel so awful after we talk.
A 19 year old trying to chat me up on OKC.
I kind of want to pet his head and push him toward younger girls.
Like, I know I’m only 21, but the last three guys I’ve been interested in have been 25-27.
So, it’s like… Awww, you’re so cute.
But no. Go now.
My dad wants to talk to me about my anxiety and how he can help and I’m not sure I have the heart to say, “By being useful, not making jokes at my expense, and generally staying away from me because you’re a huge trigger just by existing.”
Sigh.
Thoughts while driving:
1. I want to take a cooking class. Just to be learning something and I guess putting myself out in the world and to have something to look forward to every week or whenever.
2. I want to start a yarn craft group? Possibly that meets at my house every week or so and we could drink tea or wine and I could bake things for us and we could watch movies/TV and chat about yarn and things. We’d all become best friends and have like the Sisterhood of the Travelling Crochet Hook. (It’s always the right size for whatever project you’re working on!)
When your anxiety/depression is starting to affect your work, you know you have a problem.
I’m panicking and about to throw up and just want to go home but there’s no one to cover me because Securitas can’t hire enough people and Checkpoint can’t spare anyone.
I don’t even like this guy. Why am I flirting with him?
I really just feel like making out with someone for a long, long time.
Maybe until we both pass out from lack of oxygen.
I SERIOUSLY CANNOT STAND PEOPLE WHO THINK IT’S OKAY TO STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF A TEXT CONVERSATION AND REPLY TO ME IN LIKE AN HOUR OR SOMETHING WITHOUT APOLOGY.
I mean, when I do it, I at least apologize.
Telling a truth you’ve been holding back is the most relieving thing though.
I love how I’m talking to this guy and half the time it’s me answering questions and feeling awkward butterflies
And the other half is making sex jokes.
I’m constantly torn between the ‘be kind to everyone’ and the ‘fuck everyone you owe them nothing’ mentalities
Is it possible to be excited as hell and simultaneously nervous as hell?
Because my stomach’s all butterflies and my brain’s doing its negative thing.
And everywhere else is just like, “Whoa, girl. BREATHE.”
Hello, 911? I’d like to report a murder.
Who’s been killed?
Oh, just my chances with this awesome guy.
Ah, Gods.
I’m an idiot.
FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME A HAD A TOTALLY AWESOME DAY YESTERDAY.
AND NOW EVERYONE IS TRYING TO SHIT ON TODAY BECAUSE I GUESS I JUST CAN’T BE LEFT ALONE TO BE HAPPY FOR A LITTLE BIT.
I GUESS I’M JUST SUCH A HORRIBLE PERSON THAT I DON’T DESERVE IT.
I folded and texted.
Waiting impatiently for someone to come online.
Would texting them seem too desperate?
It’s early still. I should wait.
I have spent all day talking to an awesome guy who lives like two hours away but is really great and I wanna kiss his face.
A field trip to NYC might be in order.
I reactivated my OKC profile and deleted all the stuff from when I was 18 and people are already sending my blank page messages.
Two different people. Both said “hey”.
Wendell’s definitely trying to hook me up with someone.
But he won’t say who and it’s driving me NUTS because there’s like no one her my age, really. And no one who would even… like me? Not that I’m unlikable. I just have weird interests, I guess?
There’s no one here I could imagine ever babbling about Doctor Who with.
Also, I have a thing for the crazy type and they just don’t hire insane geniuses here.
So I’m worried.
I think that there are people who don’t know how terrible the world is and thus they live happily.
And then there are people who can see how terrible the world is, but have a coping mechanism to deal with it and thus live happily.
Finally, there are people who see how terrible the world is, but find the situation hopeless.
I love every-fucking-thing.
if you wanna date me you have to fight my 7 evil anxieties
GUESS WHO’S GOING TO ERIE!
Looking at flights out to see Mom next weekend and the only problem I’m having is that the website gives me the times for LEAVING PHL, but not when I’ll be BACK.
And I need to talk to my mom about it. BUT OMG I’M SO EXCITED. It’s gonna be nice to get away for a little bit and relax and blah blah blah. I look forward to it.
You’ve got to pull yourself together
Not for them, but for yourself
But if I don’t believe I am a self
Then who do I pull together and for whom?
Cute guy I whose name I don’t know bummed a cigarette.
Idk who he is, but he’s cute and well dressed.
And probably way too old for me.
